Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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