I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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