sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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