I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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