How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
