3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
