She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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