There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Randomize
