Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
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