um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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