I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
