Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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