i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
She's like a pop up book from hell.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
