Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
