I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
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