On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
