I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize