Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
