My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
