I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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