I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
