I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
