I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
