well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
being pregnant is like rehab
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize