but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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