I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
