I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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