hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
