I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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