Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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