We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
