Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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