You smell like a Billy Joel song
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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