I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Randomize
