Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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