cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
