Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
