First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
