it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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