My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Say something about gay babies.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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