do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
