News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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