break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
