so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
