No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
