Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
