come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
