If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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