I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
