Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
