your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
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