just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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