We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
