Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Randomize
