she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
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