Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
His hands were made for my vagina.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
