How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
